What defines success?

Would it be getting hold of that much coveted title? Would it be being able to enjoy the advantages of a top position or earning the envy, respect or recognition of others although sometimes it is difficult to point out which is which? Would it be possessing the natural ability or just pure luck to excel in every field and remain consistently on top of everything?

If all these are present, does it necessarily come with happiness?

Although I wake up each morning confident that everything will turn out well because I have grown accustomed to a routine which has so far ensured an uncomplicated life provided I do not deviate, I have in some instances found myself ending my day wondering whether I have indeed made the most of the past 16 hours.

Finding my comfort zone is acceptable, but choosing to remain within that zone so as not to compromise sanctuary even if it means doing so at the expense of my happiness and obstinately being unwilling to take the risks of a different course is pathetic. I’d like to think that just as many people I know who have effectively put up an “I am happy, I’ve nothing more to ask for,” front, I can actually dupe myself into thinking that I, indeed, am happy.

But then, am I really?

It sometimes annoys me - the skepticism that meets my response to the question why I have decided to forego taking the bar exams this year and instead sign up for a degree in Rural Development. My honest response would be that I simply want to make sure of what I would be getting myself into. Making it or failing it is not the issue. I just want to devote this year to rediscovering my heart’s desires which would eventually bring me to one thing, my very source of true joy. Unfortunately, some people would launch into their own analysis of my situation and conclude that it is fear of failing that is keeping me. As if passing the bar would mark the milestone of my career or my failing it would make them happier that fortunately, I too am entitled to living a miserable life. As if already living a monotonous life does not make me miserable enough.

As for the theory of fear of failure, it would have applied if thought of years ago. I have had my own share of downs in the past. I have failed in some endeavors but then I have managed to weather its ill effects. During those times, I felt I have let down my family and those who expect this much from me but I was wrong. My dad and my mom, who have become, and who still are, the reason for my passion to do extremely well, have been with me all throughout the distressing chapters. During those times, I have also found support in genuine friends who have put up with my particularity for accomplishment which at some point had become infuriating. It was during those times that I realized that I was not born to please the whole world – that for as long as I have the support of my family and my true albeit few friends, everything will be fine.

I know that life is really too short to be spent living it the way others have influenced you to live or living it the way society expects you to. If this is the path we chose to take, whatever emptiness we feel inside us will continue to grow until it eats up every ounce of what makes us truly human. God never meant for us to live life as robots.

So when then will I say that I have truly found happiness? It is when I shall have fully developed the ability to give a piece of myself to others without expecting anything in return. It is finally realizing that my worth as a person lies not in what I have become in conformity with society’s expectations but in being able to love fearlessly and being brave enough to live my life according to my own desires. It would come when I shall have freed myself from rules which may be senseless but have to be followed because much of the world thinks it would be better to put up with being unhappy if only to live an orderly life where everybody is pleased.

How I would like to live that life, maybe not now, but soon. Very soon.

A Response to Nationalists (aka Oneil. et.al.)

Oneil, my funny and lovable friend from highschool, reprimanded me for my considering to move out of the country after having spent 23 days in Japan. In his e-mail, he asked me to keep the faith and then later invited the group for a get together before they move to Canada in 2009. Much as I was dying to clobber him, technology (and height advantage on his part) prevented me from doing so.

I have always prided myself for remaining firm about my decision to stick it out with the Philippines. Yeah, sure, I am not impressed with our current administration (or our previous administrations for that matter) but I have never taken out my anger by castigating the entire bureaucracy. I guess I have kept the faith. First, this bureacracy has fed me for 26 years since both my mom and dad have been working for it. Second, I’ve been working for government for 6 years now. Third, I acknowledge the fact that not everything our government does is useless. I do know how to give credit where it is due. Living in the Philippines is much more advantageous than living in say, North Korea or Iraq.

The greatest realization that hit me during my interaction with the Japanese people is the fact that our political structures do not differ in many ways and yet we remain light-years apart in terms of development. After World War II, the Philippines enjoyed an economic advantage because we had bountiful natural resources and we were not at the receiving end of the United States’ atomic bombs. Unfortunately, greed, laziness and complacency have pushed us further into the dumps where we now settle. To make my point, allow me to make a comparison (put together during my limited but eventful stay) between how things are the Land of the Rising Sun and the Pearl of the Orient Seas (nobody has moved to change this name yet):

1. As everyone probably knows, Japanese value time as much as we Filipinos value our family ties. They set appointments at 10:15 and show up at 10:00 while we Filipinos schedule activities in 30 minute intervals and show up 30 minutes later. As my co-participant said, in Japan, time is the rule while in the Philippines, time depends on the person setting the time.

2. Japanese people do not talk much but when they do, their statements are clear, concise, direct to the point and make a lot of sense. Most Filipinos talk a lot and when they do, well, they just talk.

3. In Japan, when someone speaks, everyone listens. In the Philippines, when someone speaks, everyone starts talking and it seems that the purpose for listening is to find fault in the speaker’s words.

4. A Japanese counterpart said that in Japan, people don’t seem to find the need for government because they think they are pretty much okay on their own. In the Philippines, we expect so much from government and people seem to have an insatiable appetite for dole-outs. Japanese people are conscious of how much government can give and do their part to compensate for any inadequacies while we have the discipline to criticize government and lament its shortcomings and yet not lift a finger about it.

5. While Filipinos lack a sense identity (bought about by 300 years of colonial rule) and are generally dispassionate with what is indigenous (so that’s why the IPRA remains to nothing but sheets of paper), Japanese people value their culture and tradition.

6. Japan places high importance on environment conservation. Their problem with their forests is that they have so much trees that they have to uproot while we have to worry about diminishing tree population. Austerity for them means cutting down on the use of energy resources while we view austerity as cutting down on expenses.

But before you feel so sorry for the Philippines, let me tell that we are better off in some aspects.

First, Filipinos have a high regard for interpersonal relations. During our interactions with our Japanese counterparts, they admired how we Filipinos got along so well despite having known each other for a few days. Because we are a friendly race, a Filipino can make friends in his new workplace in a few hours. Japanese, on the other hand, can share an entire office space for months and are do not go beyond professional relations.

Second, since generally the cost of living is lower in the Philippines, we Filipinos can afford to hire people to help us with work. They can’t. Thus, the Japanese moms (working or otherwise) have to do housework since, in that male dominated country, men aren’t required to lend a hand.

Which then leads me to my third point: Filipino men are much more obliging and remain unaffected by the stereotype of a strong and tough man. Expect a Pinoy to cook, wash laundry, clean the house and do flower arrangement without having to fear being thought of as less of man. I think that the idea of a barako no longer finds itself in the minds of contemporary society.

Fourth, we have the highest scale of gender equality in Asia. We have women managers, CEO’s and Presidents. Pinays can speak their mind out (or in some cases, scream) and badger and pester and yet remain to be adequately protected against violence and discrimination.

Fifth, we have youths who are so fixated on bringing about change. Whether they would remain as passionate in their older years is another issue but at least, unlike Japan, we aren’t faced with a problem of apathy among the youth when it comes to governance. When we informed them about our NSTP and Sangguniang Kabataan Programs, we were met by their amazed reactions. Although we were quick to add that the SK was not all successful, they still considered the probability of adopting it in Japan.
Sixth, we Filipinos laugh at every problem and suicide is rarely seen as an option. Japanese find it hard to show their emotions and open up to someone. The result: a high incidence of suicides.

The days I spent in Japan have opened my eyes to the reality that even the greatest of all nations is not immune from problems. That Japan, highly developed as it is, also has its own shares of setbacks. Sadly, some of these problems aren’t matters fixed by fiscal growth and technological advancement but can be solved simply by using the powers of the human heart. Sometimes, development causes people to forget the importance interpersonal relations.

Yes, Oneil, the idea of living in another country has crossed my mind but only under the condition that my stay there would require me to gain knowledge so that I can return to the Philippines and continue working for this government. Although it may sound too ethical, I always bear in mind that there are things much more important than an easy life and a fat salary like family, friends and loyalty to your country.

P.S.
Azli, my back has never been better than it is now.

Why should I blog? Why should I dare to let the world know of my thoughts and risk disapproval by those who may not be pleased with who I happen to be? After I have spoken, would the subsequent annotations, encouraging or otherwise, be all worth the time?

All I know is that life is short to waste on pleasing everyone. I'd like to find strength in S I Hayakawa's words:"I am going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose."

If I have enjoyed reading through other people's blogs and in the process, have learned a lot from their entries that range from the erudite to mundane, I'd like to think that there is a chance, no matter how slim, that someone would read my posts and learn. Whether that person would learn to agree or disagree is a non-issue. What would matter is that he reads.

This is an undertaking long overdue. I do not remember when I last wrote something other than a technical report, a memo or my boss's speech. What I do remember though is the wonderful feeling that comes with writing down my thoughts. It begins with the excitement from overflowing emotions and moves up to the art of translating one's feelings into words for a cerebral exercise of organizing one's thoughts into grammatically correct statements.

Since I am a person whose attention span could rival the patience of a dyspeptized camel, I'd like to challenge myself to regularly post something on this page. I do talk a lot, I think a lot but could I write a lot? That remains to be seen.